Dear Me,

I've been on the computer ALL evening. I had intended to read a chapter from "A Practical Handbook of Language Teaching", a super-useful book, but I started it and couldn't focus. The computer was calling. I was able to justify not going for a walk on the grounds that I have a cold or something (please don't let my school think it's swine flu!), but I really could use some exercise and my legs are getting pretty stiff after a pretty stiff hike yesterday. But it's almost 10 and I MUST get proper sleep tonight. That, and if I had a nice leafy 'round the block to do, I'd be out in a flash, but cement & steel & flashing lights are no damn good for me, to borrow from a song.

I fear this blog is turning into a platform for broacasting the kinds of meaningless comments we normally inflict on our familiars. (or pets) In the absence of any familiars, blogging allows me to indulge in the imagined relevance of passing thoughts. I have the sniffles and want to pick apples, and you're all on a need-to-know basis. Right. Hopefully the novelty of home internet will wear off before long, and I won't be too long gone from my weekly ritual of walking to the university.

I have to keep reminding myself it's still early in my journey (though when I tot up how long 'til homecoming, I need no reminders). Just like the internet frustration has magically disappeared, so too will other sources of vexation, and suddenly, I'll be living a normal life. Which'll be just about the time all my friends go home. It's sort of like being in prison...we're all here with a set time to serve, and when people's time is up, they go away. I need to keep cultivating friendships with my orientation group, since they're all stuck here as long as I am.

I also have to allow myself some slack. I just started my second week of teaching; it's unrealistic to think I'd be an expert yet. It feels like it's been a while, like I shouldn't be coming up with these dull and unfocused lesson plans, but it's only my second attempt. I do need to get better, though. I have 2 plans for this week, one for the "high" kids and one for the "low" kids. My only directive is to teach using storybooks. Teach what? Well, that's up to me, I suppose. And I'm basically using a dartboard method of deciding. My lessons haven't been total disasters, but for next time, I need to work on having a point. And getting the kids to care about it. I knew this was going to be really hard, and it is. I was looking for kids' stories on the internet, and I found this little book about a girl who caught alligators sneaking in in the night and messing everything up. She went to complain to some wise person about it, and the reply was that because of the alligators, she knew how to do a lot of things. I'm trying to keep the alligators in mind...it would be nice to go through life without any trials, but then I wouldn't know how to do anything, and what satisfaction is there in that? Hard times are always better in hindsight, but they have to be "now" sometime, and all you can do is plow through them. I long for the comfort of an undemanding job, but if I had that, I'd be longing for the fulfillment of authentic effort. Just trying to keep myself on track and my life in perspective.

One thing I miss that I didn't anticipate was the rhythms of the year. If I were home now, I would be picking apples, and parking myself on the floor in front of a football game to peel & dice them for applesauce & pie. I'd be planning a trip to Naples for a hike and cookies. I'd be going to Netsin's as many times as I could before they close, and maybe sneaking in walks to the new Donuts Delite/Salvatore's to see if they have pumpkin fried cakes. I'd be watching the changing leaves of my front-window tree, and the changing vegetables in my CSA share. I'd have "Halloween decor" written on my calendar a couple Saturdays from now. But none of that matters here, and it leaves me adrift in a much more subtle, yet fundamental, way. Will it all come rushing back when I get home? Or will I be out of step again, "coming home to a place I'd never been before" in a different sense than what John Denver meant?

I guess none of it really matters, though. I've got 49 weeks to live in Seoul, and if my mind is perpetually in New York, I'm never really here. And if that's the case, then all the struggle is wasted and I might as well just go home now. Despite what I may think, I really DON'T want to do that.

I would like a pumpkin fried cake, though.